احمقوں کی جنت (fools's paradise)

In dark hours of the night
Those in love erect for themselves
A fool's paradise
A place where in each others warm embrace underneath layers of cover
all problems are solved, all distances resolved
a place where all plans, ambitions and ideas too
become possible and dreams come true

      

Work in progress

Work in Progress 

زات کے جهمیلوں میں اکثر میری جان

تجھ سے کی محبت کہیں کهو سی جاتی ہے

ان لمحوں میں تیری باتیں، تیرا لہجہ، تیری آنکھیں

جو خهوجتی ہیں مجھ میں، میری خاموشی بهی 

وہی سوال دوهراتی ہے

اور اس سے پہلے کے تمہاری یا میری سوچ کی سمت میری چپ تے کرنے لگے
میں آئینے سے کہہ دیتی ہوں

I need to work on this! For you, for me,  for us

Noha

Very little memories you retain as parents when you are growing up with a child but since yesterday it seems I can’t help getting into cycles of maintaining books of all that I had experienced as a mom in past 3 years. You know the most vivid memory I have is of the wrist pain I constantly complained of when she was about a few months till she was old enough to crawl and all. It hurt, it hurt enough to dig a space in my forgetful long-term memory I can still feel the pain and I look at her and the pain gets justified somehow despite being strong enough to remain in my bodies memory. We’ve been listening to titanic from past few days and just last night while we were busy mourning trying very hard to not pass on our misery to her we heard her sing along “once more you open the door” all tuned up all the right words and just then we had an unsaid eye-contact conversation saying so many things to each other “wow, is she really singing all of this” (while she is still matching tunes in the background, she doesn’t know the words anymore she’s just humming), “don’t say anything she will be distracted and become conscious” “God Dammit shes singing titanic!” and then another wave of black suddenly overtook it all ….

I am not reaching out to anyone today I am too stricken to think to talk to complain to show anger most of all I can’t find enough strength to be even angry I am just in that zone where I start grappling with what I saw on tv for seconds coz somehow I can tolerate it for more than that making all these sounds as if the anchor is crying shit man! I am just sitting here and my heart freezes every 10 minutes with one and only one thought “she goes to school too you know” it just stops functioning, my brain gets blank I don’t feel anymore I remain in it not being able think about anything while involuntarily rubbing where my wrist use to hurt. And then I get a grip wipe of my tears stand up and try to do something productive only to feel the same shiver after a bit of time.

I can’t reach out to anybody, I cant tell anyone that I feel their pain because you see I am a mom and I just don’t have the capacity to imagine anything like this how the hell do I know what you are going through where mere imagination glimpse of what it may look like has been shattering me since I heard the news. I beg for forgiveness for not being able to reach out but I am sorry I cant! You see I cant even dare to put her name here! I cant even dare to write what her relationship with me is I cant even jinx it there so I wont empathize and know I will have stop judging all who are using whatever means they have to reach out, to express , to condemn, to show the other side, to remind us of the children of thar, or of those who get killed every day on streets of Karachi, or the boy who was killed in Faisalabad, you see I agree that we go through tragedies every day and we are used to counting how many dead now but I am sorry I cant be that parson right now coz you see she goes to school too and this mantra that I am begging my head to stop repeating is not letting me compare this to anything its made me dysfunctional, I cant be resilient , or dheet or dead or numb right now coz all I want is to shut the world curl up and remain motionless.      

Bidirectional.... is there an ancient learning embedded within after all?

 Wow

I dont know what to call this particular post but just something that touched me so deep somewhere that its hard for me to get out of that wondering, "I am so intrigued" mode. There is an urdu term for it for which I cant think of the right translation right now... I am finding it hard to get out of the "حصار" of this encounter. Oh here i go rambling about the word choice again ....

So this is what happens. A colleague of mine was due to present a research he had pursued with the rest of the faculty members. Now his topic was of corporate governance and using some secondary corporate and governmental data sources he had accumulated 5 years worth of data for more than 1000 US based public companies to examine governance practices. The whole premise or what I understood of it was of examining the nature of relationship good governance practices/ endeavors have on questionable practices from governance point of view. Now with all the tests he ran his conclusions were the craziest ever, With all the statistical tools he used he was able to derive a bidirectional relationship between the two variables. Putting it in non fancy language... i love playing around with the newly and not to mention partially learned statistical/quanti language... thou shalt not be vain :))

Oh well putting it in non fancy terms he suggested that with all the indicators he took to identify good governance practices from questionable governance practices or governance concerns there seem to be a reciprocal relationship between the two. Simply put they both become causes of each other. Governance concerns would yield good governance practices but at the same time good governance would create avenues for raising questionable governance practices. And this is where it got me thinking? forget about policy implications and recommendations what is freaky is how very Ying Yangish this whole thing sounds.    

You see in theory you would implement good governance practices in order to ensure questionable practices were limited if not abandoned but if they reciprocate than the underpinning is that good breeds evil as much as the evil leads to good. How very conflicting but how very "Human". Show me one man who is without a dichotomy within and I would give you a dead man... the beauty of Human beings being that entity that lies in between, always in transition, always in some shade of grey is just so amazing. And we transcend this to organizations we create also haha

Remember that feeding the right wolf story? (if not see here
http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html)

but isn't it that the digestive tracks of the two wolves are connected? what if they feed off each other what if they only exit in twos never one?

How do you attain that which is your true human potential while negating half of who you are? its all if i put it in censored way "intercoursed", lol.... oh i just didnt want to say fucked up ... oops i just said it :)

I dont even know who I should be thanking (sarcastically obviously) for messing up the good old right and wrong for me! In the world of Wicked the evil green witch is justified.....



  

Of maids, my role and child labor

The other day I took Adiyah, my daughter to sindbad the local family entertainment center. for my North Americans its chuck e cheese of karachi.  Now adiyah is really fond of the indoor playground there and this one is not really made for 2.5 year old its for the big kids u see with tall slides, multiple floor climbing and all.  It's all soft play but being me I feel I can't let her do it all by herself until she is at least five.  So I paid for two people and joined her in the play. Now am not much of a play type but I love to watch her go from one part of the gym to another and encourage her to take the scary ones too. So after a lot of running around in hunchback at most spots I was kinda glad when she settled for the ball pit.  Now while I would relax when she was the only child there I was often on guard as older and more, let me put it gently,  enthusiastic ones would jump into the pool and kick in as if their life depended on it. They quite resembled the frantically paddling non swimmers in deep water too. Anyway so while Adiyah is doing her thing in the ball pool and me doing mine a little girl not much older than dia (she'd Max be 3.5 ) jumped in the pool followed by not so well kept 11-12 year old who was probably accompanying her. Now this little girl looked at me strange while entering so when she decided to get out of the pool I gave her a small smile.  She couldn't resist asking then and blurted out "are you her mommy? " while looking in dia's direction. Her milky while complexion complete with chubby cheeks, the pretty pullover she was wearing above all her almond eyes gave her a very "its hard not to like me" aura but what got me was the utter confusion in those adorable big eyes as she asked the question.  When I nodded affirmative the confusion rose further and this time she stutters slightly not in hesitation or discomfort but more out of "i don't understand you" factor and she asked "but where is your maid?" Out of her rush to reach the other side of the playground she didn't stay back to further inquire but I could see her leaving with a contemplating look on her face with my reply of "no I don't have one."

She left and I am sure she must have forgotten all about our little chat by the time she had left the playground but she remained in my thoughts with her innocent question. A question I kept thinking I must answer with more than "no I don't have a maid". While she may be too young to understand what I say now I hope one day she would understand my replies

Answer to the little girl I don't know the name of

"dear little sweet as Angel looking girl,  you asked me if I don't have a maid after you saw me playing or keeping watch for my daughter at a play gym you perhaps often come accompanied by your mommy's little maid. While I replied no I felt a little inadequate and I feel there is a need to if not justify then perhaps explain my answer. 

No I don't have a maid but while it has a bit to do with me not being able to justify the cost and financial strain it would yield. I think I don't have one for many other reasons. 

I don't have a maid because I don't think I can see myself employing an 11 year old to work for me. It's just not right and I hope when u grow up you would know why not. 
But even if for one second I did have an 11 year old maid, oh for heavens you know what no I won't have a little girl working for me for arguments sake either. Lets assume that even if I had an 11 year old niece or nephew who I could have in that play gym with my daughter I would still find it very difficult to let him take care of my daughter

First because even I In my 30s find it difficult to always be watchful and protective while still allowing her to explore undisrupted how can I trust some one two decade younger to do this job well? 

Besides shouldn't an 11 year old be enjoying the playground as much as you?  Rather look after you in such tempting place isn't it just outright mean to expect a child to babysit another in such environment?

But little one let me break a secret worth more than everything else written here even if I could with all my requirements find another to babysit my daughter there I think I would choose to still be there with her for I am there not out of obligation but of love. 
Did I tell you this was the first time I saw her climbing a floors worth of stairs all by her self and work her way down such big slide?  She did it all by her self after a couple of times of me being there to climb with her. Did I tell you that while I fidgeted with worry my heart expanded to double with joy when she accomplished this? I think I skiped the moment she ran through I tunnel expecting me to do it after her and when I got stuck with my big mommy body in that tunnel she held out her hand saying "mamma aap ko help chahiye (mama you need help)" I swelled with pride when she jumped in that ball pool and started to through balls everywhere after watching a couple of kids doing that and while I may sit here missing out on all the shopping I could have done trust me little girl I am not missing out on anything I value anywhere close to all that development,  laughter,  thrill that I see my own little girl under going. I want my girl to share these moments with me little one for I am selfish and in my selfishness I hope these precious little monents will help us through times ahead when she is cool and i am too old and too old fashioned and we may not have lots common to bond over

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو 

وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

میری زات کے آۂنے میں جو شخص جھانکتا ہے اب

اسے میں کبھی ملا نہیں

وہی مگر ہے اب یہاں

اسی کے سارے راستے، اسی کی ساری منزلیں

میرا کوئ اتہ نہیں، کچھ بھی پتہ نہیں

مجھے راستے نے کھو دیا، اسے سنگ لے کے چل دیا

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو، وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

Metaphors Metaphors.... incompatibility

So I am playing with my daughter and here comes another chain of thoughts i couldn't get myself to ignore....

I am trying to show Dia how to shoot at a magnetic dart board we bought for her long back which she only used to identify Dora for the longest time. But now she is gaining interest in the fact that darts have magnets on them and if she throws them from a distance towards the board it still sticks/ Just when I thought she has got the hang of it and I am about the celebrate another tit bit milestone she starts to try and join the two darts which obviously are two similar ends of the magnet and are repelling each other.

Now she is really interested as she tries to push them together and they refuse and keep moving forcing her hands to paddle and she goes "mamma look" with her quizzical stare meaning to ask me whats going on. And me being me I try to teacher her a fancy word saying, "Dia this is what we call repelling, the magnets repel each other" but she probably didn't pay attention as the fact that an object is not moving as per her desire was something definitely more intriguing.

Then just like that she handed them to me as if trying to say you try and I tried. I tried to put these magnets together, I forced them the same way she was poor little magnets scummed a little to my 70 kilo pressure and I was under the illusion that I have put them two together triumphant i looked up only to realize that a slight lapse in my attention and they had once again separated despite the force i was still applying.

I played this game for a bit and then thought maybe its better just the way it is, sometimes we are just incompatible and it doesn't matter how much effort, how much force we put to make certain relationships work, the fact remains that every single ripple no matter how small would not only put us apart again but will also make the effort put in place go all in vain. Maybe sometimes its just better for some relationships to not exist and for some people to remain apart.

We as individuals for various reasons try to put these relationships right, sometimes bound by self righteousness, other times for professional courtesy but also sometimes out of love and desire. We try to change, we try to mend ways, we put too much effort, we suffer as a consequence but we try too hard to not give up, we try too damn hard sometimes not giving up and losing ourselves in the process.

Am sitting here thinking while my daughter has moved on from the dart board to the doll house, "How is it that I teach her this? how is it that I teach her that it is better to try not put together things that repel due nature?"

very much fana in a bubble

I have been meaning to write this for a while now but here goes.

SO the other day I was sick, as in cold/flu/or whatever form of illness that makes you absolutely dysfunctional because you have a constant headache, absolutely blocked nose and a state of mind that is up for only one thing sleep! After a couple of days of suffering with no improvement my mom forces me into a room set with a steamer and a towel and shuts the door. She even took my mobile phone away, considering that I am of age this deed seem like a violation of my freedom. Nevertheless I was forced to take steam and thats when this stream of thought just kept going

So i am face down in the steamer exposed to very hot prickling sensation covered with a towel and I am thinking, "This is like a bubble, my very own isolated spot where I am forced to sit due to circumstantial issues and while I may have had various things to do at this very moment I am kind of glad that I am in this bubble right now and I know its good for me" this is when I started to draw comparison of undergoing the process of steaming to the feeling one reportedly (reportedly as in I have never experienced it but apparently all accounts that I have read or heard of tell similar stories) gets during the process of meditation unleashing the kundalini shakty or whatever arabic name we might want to give I think I will stick with fana. 

I am starting to think in this very bubble that I am right now, I am alone, submerged in hot now not so prickly whiff of water turned gas. I am enjoying this sensation, its finally helping me breathe a bit, finally clearing my head a little and while I am barely aware of what is outside that bubble, if i put my mind to it i can be all continuous about it. It was in this moment when my daughter just walked into the house after her excursion to the park and i could make out her voice though fumbled and I could hear her footsteps approaching the room I am locked in. Suddenly, I find myself in a situation where while a part of me wants to call her out to come in so i can hug her and ask her how her trip to the park was another part of me is telling me to stay put and keep taking in the steam as this can wait. My consciousness exists at two planes now, one much earthy while the other somewhere else lost in all the vapors around me and thats when it got a bit freakly similar to what I have mentioned earlier.

I started reflecting upon how even when I knew the steam would be the best thing i could do to myself in such sickness i kept procrastinating it trying to find other means of getting better or just complaining how miserable i felt all this time knowing all i needed was the good old vapor machine. Isnt that what we do? when we know our solutions remain in divine we keep filling our lives with promising but not delivering alternatives? sometimes, too busy to sit still and reflect and other times to pretentious to put the label of religious on our selves. But all this time knowing the ultimate solution lies somewhere else, somewhere very close to us, not so pleasant and easy to go through but definitely promising in terms of outcome.

Until, we are forced by circumstances to just do it, circumstances that even take away your mobile phones the ultimate attraction. And once submerged, we start looking at the world from within our very own bubble still there but barely there. Your mind being able to focus-defocus as per its own bearings. You are still very much in the world but not really there only until the steam gets too much to handle, its starts scorching you again and you are suddenly reminded that its time to go back to the world. You flip the towel to find the world that is still the same but you have changed, a little less headache, a clearer respiration and a longing to go back to that warm place that was your bubble.

      

Early Morning Jibber-Jabber

I thought I will be able to see the sun rising from here, I guess not. My flat on the fifth floor I thought was high enough to give me a nice view of the sun rising with the rest of the buildings in the vicinity being short but all I saw was hues of blue and some pink and there it was the day turning on like a light bulb. Why do I vividly remember being able to see the sun popping out when I was younger? Was it my childhood imagination or is it that the nature has also decided what a waste of effort it is to inspire someone from this city. A city where the biggest miracle of life has lost its value, becoming part of everyday collateral damage why would the sun bestow its grace? Oh but it scorches throughout the day being right there all gold and blazing hot? Then why not unveil its serenity in the gentle delicate manner in the hours of day when people wake either because they to get inspired, are too disturbed or parent a child too young to have a predictable sleep schedule. Which one am I? Why was I seeking the sun? I guess I don’t know but latter sure was the reason why I woke up in the first place the prior perhaps why I couldn’t go back to sleep.

خیال

اجیب لگتا ہے کہ یہ خیال بھی دل میں آیا 

کہ تو نہ سہی کسی اور کے لٴے بھی

یہی سب تو کرنا ہوگا ہی

Found this entry dated April 2012 ...   Titled "dedicated to STEP :)" 

لاحاصل کی تمنا کی

لاحاصل کی تمنا کی

ضد بھی کی، بہت ضد کی

خود سے لڑے، اوروں سے لڑے

ہاتھوں کی لکیروں سے لڑے

آنکھوں میں خواب ستاروں کے

خواہش میں پھول بہاروں کے
  میں ہم لے کر چلے direction 

چاہت کے دیے انگاروں کے

سب پا بھی لیا، پر کھو گئے ہم
بیاپارِ دل نے رکھا نہ بھرم

چادر،ہستی، روح و زعم

سب تول دیا پر نکلا کم

لاحاصل کی تمنا میں، لاحاصل کو جب پا ہی لیا

دل نے بلاخر تب جانا، لاحاصل کیوں لاحاصل تھا