تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو 

وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

میری زات کے آۂنے میں جو شخص جھانکتا ہے اب

اسے میں کبھی ملا نہیں

وہی مگر ہے اب یہاں

اسی کے سارے راستے، اسی کی ساری منزلیں

میرا کوئ اتہ نہیں، کچھ بھی پتہ نہیں

مجھے راستے نے کھو دیا، اسے سنگ لے کے چل دیا

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو، وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

Metaphors Metaphors.... incompatibility

So I am playing with my daughter and here comes another chain of thoughts i couldn't get myself to ignore....

I am trying to show Dia how to shoot at a magnetic dart board we bought for her long back which she only used to identify Dora for the longest time. But now she is gaining interest in the fact that darts have magnets on them and if she throws them from a distance towards the board it still sticks/ Just when I thought she has got the hang of it and I am about the celebrate another tit bit milestone she starts to try and join the two darts which obviously are two similar ends of the magnet and are repelling each other.

Now she is really interested as she tries to push them together and they refuse and keep moving forcing her hands to paddle and she goes "mamma look" with her quizzical stare meaning to ask me whats going on. And me being me I try to teacher her a fancy word saying, "Dia this is what we call repelling, the magnets repel each other" but she probably didn't pay attention as the fact that an object is not moving as per her desire was something definitely more intriguing.

Then just like that she handed them to me as if trying to say you try and I tried. I tried to put these magnets together, I forced them the same way she was poor little magnets scummed a little to my 70 kilo pressure and I was under the illusion that I have put them two together triumphant i looked up only to realize that a slight lapse in my attention and they had once again separated despite the force i was still applying.

I played this game for a bit and then thought maybe its better just the way it is, sometimes we are just incompatible and it doesn't matter how much effort, how much force we put to make certain relationships work, the fact remains that every single ripple no matter how small would not only put us apart again but will also make the effort put in place go all in vain. Maybe sometimes its just better for some relationships to not exist and for some people to remain apart.

We as individuals for various reasons try to put these relationships right, sometimes bound by self righteousness, other times for professional courtesy but also sometimes out of love and desire. We try to change, we try to mend ways, we put too much effort, we suffer as a consequence but we try too hard to not give up, we try too damn hard sometimes not giving up and losing ourselves in the process.

Am sitting here thinking while my daughter has moved on from the dart board to the doll house, "How is it that I teach her this? how is it that I teach her that it is better to try not put together things that repel due nature?"

very much fana in a bubble

I have been meaning to write this for a while now but here goes.

SO the other day I was sick, as in cold/flu/or whatever form of illness that makes you absolutely dysfunctional because you have a constant headache, absolutely blocked nose and a state of mind that is up for only one thing sleep! After a couple of days of suffering with no improvement my mom forces me into a room set with a steamer and a towel and shuts the door. She even took my mobile phone away, considering that I am of age this deed seem like a violation of my freedom. Nevertheless I was forced to take steam and thats when this stream of thought just kept going

So i am face down in the steamer exposed to very hot prickling sensation covered with a towel and I am thinking, "This is like a bubble, my very own isolated spot where I am forced to sit due to circumstantial issues and while I may have had various things to do at this very moment I am kind of glad that I am in this bubble right now and I know its good for me" this is when I started to draw comparison of undergoing the process of steaming to the feeling one reportedly (reportedly as in I have never experienced it but apparently all accounts that I have read or heard of tell similar stories) gets during the process of meditation unleashing the kundalini shakty or whatever arabic name we might want to give I think I will stick with fana. 

I am starting to think in this very bubble that I am right now, I am alone, submerged in hot now not so prickly whiff of water turned gas. I am enjoying this sensation, its finally helping me breathe a bit, finally clearing my head a little and while I am barely aware of what is outside that bubble, if i put my mind to it i can be all continuous about it. It was in this moment when my daughter just walked into the house after her excursion to the park and i could make out her voice though fumbled and I could hear her footsteps approaching the room I am locked in. Suddenly, I find myself in a situation where while a part of me wants to call her out to come in so i can hug her and ask her how her trip to the park was another part of me is telling me to stay put and keep taking in the steam as this can wait. My consciousness exists at two planes now, one much earthy while the other somewhere else lost in all the vapors around me and thats when it got a bit freakly similar to what I have mentioned earlier.

I started reflecting upon how even when I knew the steam would be the best thing i could do to myself in such sickness i kept procrastinating it trying to find other means of getting better or just complaining how miserable i felt all this time knowing all i needed was the good old vapor machine. Isnt that what we do? when we know our solutions remain in divine we keep filling our lives with promising but not delivering alternatives? sometimes, too busy to sit still and reflect and other times to pretentious to put the label of religious on our selves. But all this time knowing the ultimate solution lies somewhere else, somewhere very close to us, not so pleasant and easy to go through but definitely promising in terms of outcome.

Until, we are forced by circumstances to just do it, circumstances that even take away your mobile phones the ultimate attraction. And once submerged, we start looking at the world from within our very own bubble still there but barely there. Your mind being able to focus-defocus as per its own bearings. You are still very much in the world but not really there only until the steam gets too much to handle, its starts scorching you again and you are suddenly reminded that its time to go back to the world. You flip the towel to find the world that is still the same but you have changed, a little less headache, a clearer respiration and a longing to go back to that warm place that was your bubble.

      

Early Morning Jibber-Jabber

I thought I will be able to see the sun rising from here, I guess not. My flat on the fifth floor I thought was high enough to give me a nice view of the sun rising with the rest of the buildings in the vicinity being short but all I saw was hues of blue and some pink and there it was the day turning on like a light bulb. Why do I vividly remember being able to see the sun popping out when I was younger? Was it my childhood imagination or is it that the nature has also decided what a waste of effort it is to inspire someone from this city. A city where the biggest miracle of life has lost its value, becoming part of everyday collateral damage why would the sun bestow its grace? Oh but it scorches throughout the day being right there all gold and blazing hot? Then why not unveil its serenity in the gentle delicate manner in the hours of day when people wake either because they to get inspired, are too disturbed or parent a child too young to have a predictable sleep schedule. Which one am I? Why was I seeking the sun? I guess I don’t know but latter sure was the reason why I woke up in the first place the prior perhaps why I couldn’t go back to sleep.

خیال

اجیب لگتا ہے کہ یہ خیال بھی دل میں آیا 

کہ تو نہ سہی کسی اور کے لٴے بھی

یہی سب تو کرنا ہوگا ہی

Found this entry dated April 2012 ...   Titled "dedicated to STEP :)" 

لاحاصل کی تمنا کی

لاحاصل کی تمنا کی

ضد بھی کی، بہت ضد کی

خود سے لڑے، اوروں سے لڑے

ہاتھوں کی لکیروں سے لڑے

آنکھوں میں خواب ستاروں کے

خواہش میں پھول بہاروں کے
  میں ہم لے کر چلے direction 

چاہت کے دیے انگاروں کے

سب پا بھی لیا، پر کھو گئے ہم
بیاپارِ دل نے رکھا نہ بھرم

چادر،ہستی، روح و زعم

سب تول دیا پر نکلا کم

لاحاصل کی تمنا میں، لاحاصل کو جب پا ہی لیا

دل نے بلاخر تب جانا، لاحاصل کیوں لاحاصل تھا