Let it go? or keep holding on...

As parent I constantly struggle with an urge to somehow show, emphasize and even prove (to myself, as well as the world) how my child is unique, different from the lot, very special... do you recognise the feeling? vicious cycle of the desire for them to be different, followed by dread that I expect too much, followed by the judgement that I am no better than the parents constantly judged by good Hindi films wanting their kids to become only doctors and engineers leading them to live lives of great wealth and no meaning? maybe its just me.... but I swear everytime i meet a child whose name I cannot pronounce my heart jumps with joy for finding a comrade...

Normally I behave well within the normality curve..., I enjoy her watching cartoons like Tom and Jerry without raising eyebrows about the violence within, Doremon despite its possibility of ruining her chances at awesome spoken Urdu and premature understanding of boy-girl relationship dynamics. I spoil her with a sugar treat pretty much everyday, still feed her with my hands and let her have a tablet... I am guilty of doing pretty much everything listed in the new guide to bad parenting for kids with super potential!

But frozen strikes a different chord. Its so out there, its so commercial that everytime my daughter picks something with Elsa or Anna on it I just cant help but shake my head at the power of market economy in influencing my 5 year old's choices in life. Everyone has Elsa shoes, and Anna dress and a pencil with frozen characters and a nightdress with Olaf and this and that and having to listen to "let it go all" the time in the car... (i am starting to rant)

So only yesterday, I opened my daughter's school library bag and found a book with Elsa and Anna on it! my first reaction (out loud too), "why did you bring a frozen book?, we know the story!!! you could have picked something else, something more meaningful" and she said, "but I wanted to read Elsa Anna story so I got this one"

Reluctantly I opened the book and started to read, "When you and I were little, we were close as we could be. I was happy you were Anna, you were thrilled that I was me."

And we had a chat about rhyme, picked be and me, brought in other worlds like jack and mack

then we read on and the book talked about the story of Elsa and Anna, yet again from a fresh perspective. It talked about how Elsa and Anna were different, one calculated another wearing her heart on her sleeve, one organised another clumsy and how in their difference they both hoped to have a sister that was more like themselves. Life would have been so much easier for them if they were alike... but then they recognised all the ways they complimented each other because of their differences, something they were only able to see when they both acknowledged the love they had for each other.

I was blown away towards the end of it... i was sold to the narrative once again despite the capitalistic reality of the frozen brand. Or perhaps I was blown away more because of that. I am scared of the power Frozen brand has on my daughter who often wants to buy all things Elsa, but in its shadow I marvel at the power Elsa and more importantly Anna can have on forming her person. Feminism and rethinking truelove undertones evidently and elaborately discussed but about difference? what of accepting the other, such a wonderful narrative to discuss the idea of difference as a point of dissatisfaction, conflict but yet a point of complementarity once you acknowledge the other with love... is it a lesson in relationship management? multiculturism?  accepting contradiction within oneself? battle of heart and mind? helping kids make sense of why their folks argue and then make up? helping her see Anna's magic was greater for her magic was to come forward and accept vulnerability and continue to show love?

I dont know how many of these ideas I will be able to touch... but I do promise myself that for the next whole week, this book is rented from school in her name, we are reading it everyday. And talking about it everyday!

I continue to fear brand frozen, but I shouldnt let its story go... its normal for her to love Elsa and Anna for everyone loves them and maybe in the process of acknowledging that love she will aspire to be open to many ideas of a more balanced society they have to offer....            

The book itself "A sister more like me" by Barbara Jean Hicks

Work in progress

Work in Progress 

زات کے جهمیلوں میں اکثر میری جان

تجھ سے کی محبت کہیں کهو سی جاتی ہے

ان لمحوں میں تیری باتیں، تیرا لہجہ، تیری آنکھیں

جو خهوجتی ہیں مجھ میں، میری خاموشی بهی 

وہی سوال دوهراتی ہے

اور اس سے پہلے کے تمہاری یا میری سوچ کی سمت میری چپ تے کرنے لگے
میں آئینے سے کہہ دیتی ہوں

I need to work on this! For you, for me,  for us

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو 

وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

میری زات کے آۂنے میں جو شخص جھانکتا ہے اب

اسے میں کبھی ملا نہیں

وہی مگر ہے اب یہاں

اسی کے سارے راستے، اسی کی ساری منزلیں

میرا کوئ اتہ نہیں، کچھ بھی پتہ نہیں

مجھے راستے نے کھو دیا، اسے سنگ لے کے چل دیا

تو مجھ سے مانگتا ہے جو، وہ مجھ میں ہے رہا نہیں 

Metaphors Metaphors.... incompatibility

So I am playing with my daughter and here comes another chain of thoughts i couldn't get myself to ignore....

I am trying to show Dia how to shoot at a magnetic dart board we bought for her long back which she only used to identify Dora for the longest time. But now she is gaining interest in the fact that darts have magnets on them and if she throws them from a distance towards the board it still sticks/ Just when I thought she has got the hang of it and I am about the celebrate another tit bit milestone she starts to try and join the two darts which obviously are two similar ends of the magnet and are repelling each other.

Now she is really interested as she tries to push them together and they refuse and keep moving forcing her hands to paddle and she goes "mamma look" with her quizzical stare meaning to ask me whats going on. And me being me I try to teacher her a fancy word saying, "Dia this is what we call repelling, the magnets repel each other" but she probably didn't pay attention as the fact that an object is not moving as per her desire was something definitely more intriguing.

Then just like that she handed them to me as if trying to say you try and I tried. I tried to put these magnets together, I forced them the same way she was poor little magnets scummed a little to my 70 kilo pressure and I was under the illusion that I have put them two together triumphant i looked up only to realize that a slight lapse in my attention and they had once again separated despite the force i was still applying.

I played this game for a bit and then thought maybe its better just the way it is, sometimes we are just incompatible and it doesn't matter how much effort, how much force we put to make certain relationships work, the fact remains that every single ripple no matter how small would not only put us apart again but will also make the effort put in place go all in vain. Maybe sometimes its just better for some relationships to not exist and for some people to remain apart.

We as individuals for various reasons try to put these relationships right, sometimes bound by self righteousness, other times for professional courtesy but also sometimes out of love and desire. We try to change, we try to mend ways, we put too much effort, we suffer as a consequence but we try too hard to not give up, we try too damn hard sometimes not giving up and losing ourselves in the process.

Am sitting here thinking while my daughter has moved on from the dart board to the doll house, "How is it that I teach her this? how is it that I teach her that it is better to try not put together things that repel due nature?"